Numb
by EneriRenie
Summary: “SHUT UP!” a voice screamed at me. “Shut up, you irritating brat! Stop crying!” [Annacentric, with a bit of YohxAnna]


Disclaimer: I worship Takei-sama, I do ^__^ 

People are supposed to cry when they are sad. When they are miserable. When they are frustrated. When they are mad. When things don't go their way. When the problems in their life seem to pile up instead of getting solved. When they feel pain. When they feel lost and confused. When they don't know what do anymore. When all seems lost, when you don't feel hope anymore. There is just a huge void that you fall into, down, down, down…and there is no escape. The darkness swallows you and you can't get out. 

People have different reactions when somebody cries. I have seen Pilica cry several times. Horo Horo immediately went over to her to comfort and reassure her. When Tamao cries, they comfort her as well. Either way, they do that just to make the person stop crying. When someone bursts into tears, everybody feels flustered. Some feel irritated with all the noise they make while crying. And I…

I have never shed a single tear in a long time. 

-

_A sniffle._

_A tear running down the cheek._

_Turning into a sob._

_A wail. _

_Crying._

_Crying…_

Crying… 

_"SHUT UP!!!" a voice screamed at me. "Shut up, you irritating brat! Stop crying!" _

_I tried to stop, but failed. The woman stomped toward me and screamed at my face, "Do you not understand?! I ordered you to stop!!!"_

I took a deep breath and made a great effort to stop, but a sob escaped my lips. Her face twisting into an ugly snarl, she grabbed my by the shoulders and started shaking me hard. "STOP CRYING!"

_"Let me go!" I shouted, kicking and flailing at the woman for her to unhand me. "I want to cry! Leave me ALONE!" _

_She shook me some more before letting me go, but not before delivering a slap to my face. I fell to the ground hard. "If you want to cry, fine! But do it somewhere else! I can't stand the noise!"_

_I stood up haughtily and ran away, far away. By the time I stopped, I realized my tears have dried up in my anger._

-

I was running again. I hid inside one of the rooms, biting my lower lip to keep myself from crying.

A brown-haired boy with a smile that never seems to leave his face had told me I was cute. And I slapped him. 

Tears started running down my face.

_Why did I slap him? He was just trying to be friendly. _

_Because he told me I was cute._ I glanced into the mirror beside me. My hair was rumpled, my dress disheveled and my face streaked with tears. _That boy was lying. I'm not cute at all. I'm ugly. They all told me so…_

Who told you? 

_It doesn't matter who did. I can't remember. I don't want to remember anymore…_

The door slid open, and in came Kino-sensei. Her gaze immediately fell on me. I stiffened, not daring to even wipe away my tears. I blinked rapidly in an attempt to make them disappear. 

Kino-sensei shuffled toward me. She looked me up and down before kneeling in front of me. Heaving a sigh, she grasped my chin tightly and lifted my face to make me look at her. 

"Anna…" A long pause. "You are under my training to become an itako, correct?"

I nodded dumbly, trying not to wince as her fingernail scraped my chin, which she was still holding tightly. 

She tightened her grasp even more, and I squirmed a little bit. "Anna," she said, her voice becoming stronger. "We itakos do not show emotion. It is easier that way. Emotions get in the way of our job." She released my chin and stood up. "Take care to remember that." 

She was already by the door when she added, "You did the right thing. If you must cry, cry alone." Then she left.

I sniffled, and found that my tears have dried once more.

-

And I found that I can't cry alone, either. And I found out that I lost the ability to cry even if I wanted to. I also learned that people cry not only when they are sad, but also when they are happy. I find it rather strange, but they call it "tears of joy". Both Pilica and Tamao cried whenever Ren's team and Yoh's team won a shaman fight.

All I became capable of was showing anger. I couldn't cry, and I couldn't laugh. But…

Yoh.

If there was one thing that Yoh taught me, it was to smile. Whenever he flashed a smile at me, it was hard not to give him a small smile of my own. No matter how hard I tried to keep my face in a stony expression, the smile sometimes escaped. And he would be so happy whenever I smiled, I can't understand why.  

But…I still couldn't cry. And there were many times when I felt like doing so. I wanted to cry when he was hurt during his fight with Faust. I wanted to cry when he went to bed without saying goodnight to me. When he left to go to America. 

I wanted to cry when Asakura Hao killed him. 

But I didn't. I felt this huge ball of tightness forming in my chest, making it almost impossible for me to breathe. But no tear fell. Instead I focused on my wrath against Hao. I wanted to cry when we failed in defeating him. ]

And I wanted to cry for joy when Yoh came back.

The tightness in my chest disappeared immediately, replaced by a feeling of relief so wonderful it made me light-headed. But again, no tears fell. I just smiled at him in welcome.

I wanted to cry.

I want to cry.

Cry…

My cheeks were wet. I lifted a shaking hand to touch one…was I crying? I closed my eyes and sighed, welcoming the tears. 

I heard someone come up behind me. I turned around…it was Yoh. He was looking at me with such a tender expression on his face that it made me cry harder.

He is happy when I smile. I wonder what he feels seeing me in this state. 

I thought he would do what Horo Horo does whenever his sister cries. Put an arm around my shoulders and say everything will be fine, it's going to be alright. Shhh, it's okay, stop crying now. Everything's okay.

He moved closer, still holding my gaze. He lifted his hand to touch me on my shoulder, sliding down to my arm, finally taking hold of my hand to pull me against him. His other hand cupped my cheek, but he didn't brush the tears away. Then he rested my head on his shoulder and enfolded me in a warm embrace.

He didn't say anything. He just held me and let me cry.

So I cried. And held on to him, knowing we'll never let each other go.

A/N: Um… O.O. Sorry. That was so weird! I was pissed off when I was writing this fic…hehe. I don't even know if the things I said in this fic are accurate -__- so bear with me. And I just made up some of the other stuff… It was actually sort of me who was really talking about crying and all that. I hate it when people tell me to stop crying whenever I do. Reviews will make me forget about crying and instead bring a smile to my face ^___^


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